Sunday, July 26, 2009

Facebook is the Devil, Bobby!!!

My dear friend who shared many of my most hilarious moments in college hit a momentous milestone in Facebook world. That’s right, he reached 500 friends, which doesn’t surprise me because he is genuinely a good dude, but I cannot resist the urge to jump up and down and call him “Friend Whore, Friend Whore.” I don’t think he goes around randomly “friending” minor acquaintances, but seriously, how many of us actually call five hundred people friends. Has the word friend lost its very value like every other emotionally invested word? It has as much meaning as another popular “f-word” that is so common place, that I’m surprised it even gets bleeped out on network television, which I would not be opposed to that idea because I am tired of flipping on to TNT and listening to a crappy voice over of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Play back to back Harry Potter and leave the f*#%ing R-rated movies to premium cable subscribers who can afford it. Okay back to the friend thing… Thanks to FB and MySpace, the concept of “friend” has completely changed (I know they didn’t start this trend but follow me on this one). A friend was someone who would listen to you gripe about your significant other, someone who’d pick you up when your ride ditched you. A good friend brought you bail money, lied to your parents for you or backed you up in a bar brawl. And your best friend helped you bury the body (thanks Al). But now, a good friend is someone who “Likes your posts” or comments on your new vacation photos. Christ, we used to call that Aunt Jean (fictional character).I propose that Facebook change its lexicon into something more appropriate, Friends should now be broken into four categories; Friends (the actual people that we still talk to at least once every six months), Family (no, we didn’t choose them, but sometimes we like them), Acquaintances (people who we actually had conversations with, and probably would do so again if we had the chance) and Others (generally speaking, the people we passed on the way to homeroom who didn’t try to trip us or call us obscene names related to our personal hygiene, stature, or other genetic defect).This would avoid confusing truly popular people from the socially inept, because in case none of you realized this, Facebook is a cyber version of high school, except we all act like we were all part of the same click. It’s nice to be a part of the same click, but does anyone write something provocative or earth shattering? Not really. Some of us are committed to finding the most absurd applications and answering the most ridiculous surveys such as What Serial Killer Are You? Does it really matter if I emulate Richard Ramirez? Are you more compelled to find out What Zodiac Sign Are You? Facebook is the Devil!! And why is my Rottweiler talking to me? No wait she’s an Aussie… AAARGH!!!So to my 5 Friends, 6 Family, 25 Acquaintances, and 763 Others please accept my F@#% OFF!! (2009 translation: “I hope you have a blessed day, may peace be upon you”) Application Request. Ooh look, my third grade crush…I wonder if Marci Phelps will accept my friendship…

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