Tuesday, September 1, 2009

As Holes go…this one is a Metaphor!!

Like every other unreasonable hormonally challenged guy on this planet, I knew I could fix it. It would of course save us money and what could those over priced technicians do that Mr. Handyman couldn’t. First it was the plumbing auger that was five feet to short. Then it was the drain pipe that was 5 inches too short, followed by the root kill that barely reached the root. I realize now after ten projects in between that I have a common condition that plagues nearly seventy five percent of men (the other twenty five percent of males are “fabulously” gay or filthy rich which means they lack the gene that causes…): Handyman’s ADD. Wives, at this time I invite you to leave the room. Trust me, the last thing your dear husband wants you to read is this admission of a condition that has the following symptoms: hard charging, assertive statements full of excessive testosterone that sound something like “I refuse to pay a bleeping repairman $50 an hour to stand around and tell me that a bleeping screw is loose!!”; multiple trips to the local home improvement store for “the part I know will fix this damn thing,” utilizing terminology such as “thing a ma jig” or “special fitting”; belligerent responses to simple questions such as “when did you plan on finishing that hole?” using quips such as “do you know how to fix it? Didn’t think so!” and “you got a better idea” ; sudden postponement of project to begin another project that suddenly becomes more important “I got to fix that screen door before I can get the drain to work”; and finally the realization that a qualified technician is needed “I could do this but I don’t have the right tools for the job and that tool is just too darn expensive.”
Ladies, if you ignored my warning and still happen to be reading this blog and it sounds amazingly familiar, take two deep breaths and step away from the knife set. He’s only doing what he is genetically compelled to do because in less civilized times, the man was the hunter and therefore was constantly needed in the society. There wasn’t a local grocery and a group wouldn’t outsource their hunting needs. In modern times, however, the only needs a man fulfills involve sex and upkeep. If he’s married, sex is a ritual performed once or twice a month simply to ward off any evil spirits lurking under the covers, which can also be accomplished by using a sanitizing detergent bath. Fortunately for our modern male homo-sapiens, upkeep seems a decent way for a man to remain dutifully needed and not totally replaced by a battery powered substitute. The difficulty lies in keeping enough things in disrepair that the female feels compelled to continue utilizing her husband, but he must be on guard not to let everything go awry for she may elect to replace him or phone a suitable substitute. While this vicious circle of repair is not consciously put into action by males, it does however preserve our place in the society. So when the toilet is on the fritz for several weeks, just remember it’s all societies fault and we husbands need to be needed, too!