Saturday, December 21, 2013

Sensor Chips and Salsa

I’ve tried, I really have. It’s partly your fault. You encouraged it with your laughter. At the very least you acknowledged its presence and reacted in some way. I’m speaking of that nasty little tendency to say the most absurd thing at the most absurd time. Whether it be making that most untimely, unsavory joke that makes people a tad bit uncomfortable or saying something hilariously funny while you have the misfortune of being smack dab in the middle of consuming fluids, I do it! I’m the one who makes people laugh, chuckle, giggle snort or spit take. I’m trying to stop. I made a committed effort to seek therapy. I mean a half-hearted attempt at standup. Okay, fine… a weak attempt at an on the air joke contest. It didn’t work. I don’t tell jokes incredibly well, I don’t write “material”. I improvise, I riff. If I were a famous comedian I would be Robin Williams, but I don’t have nearly the fortitude to sustain that level of insanity/genius/ history of substance abuse. Instead I must lay this heavy burden on you my friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, the random person that just asked how to get to Carnegie Hall (practice baby practice), etc. You are being asked to tolerate my absurdity, try desperately not to laugh too hard at my jokes, or at least limit it to a slight chuckle that you mask with a cough. Without you, I don’t know if I can finally act my age, say the adult things, and not make people shoot Dr. Pepper through their nose. Is it too much to ask for your assistance in my time of need?

Screw it! After a few weeks I’d probably go off on a Linsey Lohan-esque binge, where I wrap my clown car around a candy pole, walk off muttering non-sequiturs, stumble into the local grocery store and start spouting off horrific puns as I head to the fabric care aisle in search of an irony board. either chuckled or groaned and now I am forced to continue!

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Hunt for Drama Llamas and Trolls

On my recent expedition into the Dark Territory of Cyberland, I came across a wise chieftain of the FaceSpace TweetLife clan, who instructed me on the many pitfalls of traveling in CyberSpace Land and took me on safari to examine the many lethal creatures of this enormous, yet instantly accessible, expanse of virtual world. In their natural habitat, these fierce creatures embodythe dangers of “the Interwebs” (as the simpleton tourists have dubbed it). The most destructive forces, such as the Trojan Horse (keen in its chameleon like capabilities), ravage the land in its entirety, but others are quite territorial in nature and occupy only a certain habitats in this land.

Within Cyberland exists a virtual paradise for tourists to come and share in its fruits and joyous landscape; the So Shell Land. Picturesque flora and fauna remind visitors of days gone by, while creatures of every shape and size allow people to see the current affairs of this beautiful land. This land also contains two dark and insidious inhabitants that have been known to terrorize and harass unsuspecting tourists; damaging their property, stealing food and water, and inciting fear and mistrust. On occasion visitors will completely vacate this paradise and altogether refrain from visiting Cyberland. With the dangerous nature of these two beasts in mind, I implored Pacu, our guide, to allow us to track and observe the behavior of the beasts known as Drama Llama and Troll.

At first glance, causus problemus the common drama llama and postus crapicus the Poster’s troll (named after the first victim of the troll) appear to be unrelated species, but upon thorough DNA examination, it has been determined that the drama llama and the troll are rather close evolutionary cousins. The llama predates the troll several millennia and actually migrated across a cyber bridge from the Real World. The llama has lived a rather stout existence in homo sapien society, but has flourished in Cyberland as its ease of access to all visitors has been prodigious. Poster’s troll seemed to have evolved after the llama’s introduction into Cyberland, The chief distinction from the llama and the troll is that the troll has become more adept at camouflaging it’s interactions with visitors often times steadily stalking its prey while making a clear sign of disinterest to it. However, after long observations, this researcher has determined that the common drama llama and Poster’s troll have very similar feeding, reproductive and survival habits and must be handled and controlled in the same way. Through processing of observational data, genetic coding, fecal examinations and allegorical accounts a proper care, management and control protocol has been formulated. Recommended best practices, precautions and policies will be issued in an upcoming article in the Journal of Screwed Up In the Head. I will post it to this site.

Monday, May 13, 2013

A Very Special Day

Three years ago today we were blessed with the most amazing gift, one that has filled each day since with something wonderful, beautiful, heart-wrenching and terrifying. I have loved many things and many people but I have never been this emotionally tied to one thing. A tiny smile, a giggle, a magical phrase can completely change the woes of any day, and a tear, a cough or cry of pain can illicit feelings of sadness. On this day three years ago, I gave my heart to a tiny little boy and he keeps winning it every day.

Happy Birthday Gabriel!

Each day I am more proud of you and each day I fall deeper in love with the little person you are becoming. I see the best of me and your mother in you and try desperately to help you survive the worst of us. I try to remember everything that my parents gave me that made my childhood joyous and special and shelter you from those things that were hurtful and sad. I hope one day, when I am very old and very gray and you have a son of your own that you can say as I often do of my father, “There goes my hero, a man who loved me with all his heart and tried to give me his best every day, No, he’s far from perfect, but he’s loved me as perfect as he could.” Forgive me for the days when I’m not my best, and there will be plenty. Send me your psychiatrist bills, I’m sure I’ll earn them. You’re only three today so none of this makes sense but maybe thirty years from now it will, and I pray with all my heart that we are blessed enough to sit down and reflect with each other on those thirty years. No one knows when we will part but I will desperately try every day that we have together to let you know how much you are loved, cherished and held dear.

Happy Birthday my baby boy, Daddy loves you more than you could possibly know!