Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Strange Things Are a Foot

I am convinced that my foot must taste delicious; better than the most luscious strawberries, juicy than prime rib, more divine than the finest chocolate. Why else would I be so compelled to place it in my mouth with such great regularity? I refuse to give specific examples, mostly because you, in all likelihood, know my wife and she probably has divulged some of my most dandy moments. I could claim a complete misunderstanding in many cases, but that would be pointless because “stoopid” really isn’t a language and therefore, by definition, can’t be understood. Most of you know me to be a relatively intelligent and literate individual, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I am on rare occasions (mostly between the hours of 11pm and 1am), suddenly transformed into Captain Dumbass, the insensitive jerk, foot-cuisine connoisseur.
In desperation, I consulted the Dr. Oz Show (shut up!) for answers. Amazingly Dr. Oz explained that during fetal development, a certain chemical is released into the baby’s blood stream that actually slows the activity of the right brain, which houses much of the emotional sensitivity and communication skills. This chemical is predominantly found in highest quantities in roughly half of developing babies, and continues to dominate that population through their adult life. The chemical? Why TESTOSTERONE of course!! At this point, I would ask that the males in the room quickly run for cover…or assume your traditional position when you receive the “I told you so” moment from your estrogen rich partner. If you are gay men, you may simultaneously point the finger at each other. For our lesbian friends, clearly you have perfect communication skills; you may now leave the room.
So, it is clear that my affinity for my foot is not through any fault of my own. It is clearly my mother and father’s fault and God (non-denominational deity may be substituted here) had a part in it to. Testosterone was given to me, I never knowingly took it, nor was I aware of the effects it was having on me. Aside from the penis, the beard and the amazing amount of muscle, there were no indications that I was benefiting from these. I blame this all on my wi…mmm…warfle…wurble… wow, this foot tastes like strawberry cheesecake!