Foot in Mouth

My son has mastered something that took me years to perfect and quite frankly I’m a little peeved about it. Quite simply he put a foot in my mouth. It was his foot and he enjoyed it immensely, giggling and laughing the entire time (I usually insert my own and it receives a completely different reaction). At that very moment I realized that I was solidly and firmly entrenched as his dad. I had become the person I had promised myself I wouldn’t become; the parent who got giddy over the smallest milestones, and I dragged my wife into it. We both spent the better part of five minutes opening our mouths wide as our son joyfully directed his tiny four month old feet into our respective pie holes, all the while marveling over how smart and coordinated our young brood was. If someone had a video camera, we would have been the toast of YouTube for candid videos of IDIOTS! Yet, I feel no shame nor need to apologize for our amazement and wonder at this tiniest of milestones; a simple act that let us know our son was thinking, contemplating, planning even the method in which he would transform us into blathering imbeciles. I do believe it is in moments like these that tiny humans realize the collective power they can assert over the more mature members of the species. With a giggle, big smile, or coo we become incapacitated to experience any other feelings but awe and pride. We want to shout from the rooftops “My baby boy picked his nose…I mean checkout those motor skills!”
It’s true; Mother Nature inserted a parental instinct in all mammals to ensure protection and development of their offspring. Not present in fish, insects or reptiles, nurturing and parenting are mammalian concepts, and contribute to the success of more complex species. Unless, of course, we’re talking about the hairless apes affectionately known as man. Human beings challenge the concept of evolutionary apex when it involves our interaction with our offspring, particularly in the developmental stages between birth and preschool. Sometimes I wonder how our children evolve past potty training. Most of you are parents, and therefore are incapable of having an unbiased viewpoint on this, but how many of you have seen and heard how we speak to our infants. I believe chimpanzees have more complex language skills than human parents do when in front of a three month old. I used to laugh hysterically at morons making “baby talk” with their mini-people until I found myself making the following statement: “Who’s the cutie booty baby with the peepee weepy diapy? You are, yes you are! Now diddy dirty daddy’s gonna make your dirty diapy go buhbye!”
At least now I can be certain of one thing; my son will be one evolutionary rung higher than his dear old dad. If he can remember to keep putting his feet in other people’s mouths and not his own, he may even amount to something more special. Yesh you will, Gaby the Baby, yesh you will!

Five Lessons for my Son

These are things I learned from my parents, my wife, my family, my friends and a ton of acquaintances. I hope my son will learn them sooner than I did.

1. Have firm ideas and flexible beliefs.
Don’t be afraid to challenge conventional thought, but be prepared to have your ideas challenged as well. Rigid beliefs are the downfall of humanity because they exclude new learning and new experiences. If your beliefs are flexible, the world will provide you with daily lessons and you will continuously adapt to its ever changing landscape.

2. Invest in people not objects.
Toys are great, but they will never replace the joy that comes from the people who you share them with. Money will provide things, but it will never buy the love and admiration of your family and peers. Possessions are nothing without people.

3. The relationship you have with yourself dictates how you relate to others.
If you have a positive healthy relationship with yourself, do things that nourish you body and soul, you will attract those who are available for that type of relationship with you. If you treat yourself poorly, fail to love yourself in a positive way, you will treat others poorly and attract those that will abuse you and take advantage of you.

4. The only way to never fail is to never try.
Failure is a life lesson. The most successful people in this world have fallen flat on their face multiple times. What makes them special is that those failures don’t define them but rather inspire them to do better and achieve more. Don’t be afraid to fail. You have people that love you unconditionally, and will always be with you either in body or spirit. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off because success is around the corner.

5. Its never too early, and it’s never too late.
Today is a gift, it’s why they call it the present. Do things as soon as you can, but don’t fret if it does not all get done today. Make the most of the moment, and cherish each opportunity as it comes. Some people spend their life planning for the future and lamenting when the unexpected happens. Others lament everything that has happened and fail to see the opportunities ahead of them. Use the past as a lesson, and look to possibilities of the future, but always live in the now.

Father’s Day

It was minutes after midnight, the beginning of my inaugural Father’s Day, and my son said Happy Father’s Day in a way only a one month old can do: he cooed, smiled, and dropped the diaper mess of all diaper messes. Somehow, I theorized that he was delivering an almost Zen-like commentary on what our relationship would be for years to come. Initially it seemed like what he was saying was “Daddy, we’ll chat, we’ll laugh and then you’ll have to put up with my shit, because you love me.” That seemed a little crass, even for one so young, and even at this age he seems much more pensive than that. I had to seek deeper meaning from my little bundle of joy. Perhaps what he was trying to say was “Daddy, they’ll be days when I make you proud, and days that we’ll laugh, but sometimes I’ll make a big mess.” This seemed a bit more of the level of the males in my family; philosophical, yet playfully mundane. Yet, for the boy who posed as Buddha in his mother’s womb, it lacked the touch of the chubby little Enlightener. It was then that the truth was revealed to me, and my little wonderful cherub set my mind ablaze:
“Dad…Shit happens! And when you feel it coming, chuckle, call your Dad and hope he knows how to clean it up!”
Thanks Dad. For all the messes you kept me from making, and all the messes you helped me clean up because life can be messy and sometimes you just have to chuckle and learn to lean on the people that love you.
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all you Dads!!!

Applicrack

If you are a FaceBook user, you may be victim to the most heinous crime of the century and you probably enjoyed it. Somehow, someway, the deft little code monkeys (inside joke that I stole from a great big code monkey) at FaceBook (FB from now on) managed to write something that was once thought to be impossible. The code monkeys (actually not real monkeys, because that would be creepy, but rather cyber geeks chained to their cubicles, fed Doritos once an hour, and given inter-venous Red Bull) have incorporated real, honest-to-goodness crack cocaine into miniature programs called applications (they use the cute “app” abbreviation much like the cyber drug lords at Apple use for their synthetic narcotic, iCrack and the meth-heads at enMotion use a fruit based drug called the Crackberry) These tiny little “programs” are disguised as tiny little programs that have cute little furry animals, or cyber people working on farms or in cafes, or Medieval Vampire Mobsters who do nothing but amass friends and money and beat each other up. These “apps” may seem mundane and simple at first, but the slowly drag you in with promises of fun and friends and ways to grow your little empire of bliss. But much like crack (and porn, ironically), soon you find yourself devoting every waking moment to amassing enough points to “level up” so you can get a new stove, a new type of pet/crop, or a new weapon that decimates all players in the vicinity of Iceland (a FB user recently used this weapon, called ASH HOLE). Finally, your wife walks in on you foaming at the mouth, slapping the veins on your arm, crying in agony, as your FB shows that your “apps” cannot be accessed today because of system maintenance. Those damn code monkeys are hard at work screwing with your high, and its time for you to take back your life and resume playing World of WarCraft until three in the morning.

Join the Club

Why does it seem that parenthood is like a fraternity/sorority of excruciating pain? The phrase misery loves company can be used in this application. Every time my wife and I say we are expecting our first child there is an immediate reaction of joy, “Oh my God, congratulations!” or “You must be so excited!” or “I bet you can’t wait.” Then follows what I call the “tell”, that pause of doom that lets you know this is a parent, and suddenly they are reminded of Dante’s Inferno, the third ring being occupied by parents who are forced to repeat the third trimester, labor, delivery, and the post partum 3 months. Their eyes glaze over, a wince appears on their face, but just before you ask them “What’s wrong?” they quickly recover and give you the “I can only be happy if more people join us” lie of; “You’re going to love it!”
This may be a sophisticated form of hazing, with the intention of making expecting parents terrified of what the next few months will hold. It seems that it succeeds quite regularly, and appears to be a time honored tradition and a method of retrieving some of the dignity that was lost when it happened to them. In sociological terms, this is referred to as a cycle of behavior (violence, abuse, etc.) that is perpetuated by its victims in order to be accepted by their tormentors. This cycle must be broken, and as a man of conscience, I feel it my responsibility to break this chain. No longer will we fear hormones, delivery rooms, crying babies, poopy diapers, and insomnia. No longer will we strike fear into the hearts of already nervous expecting parents just because it was done to us.
HEAR ME NOW! You people looking to procreate will only receive the truth, not exaggerations designed to make you freak out and run away. We will comfort you and ease you of your worries. Besides…if you can survive the first trimester of psychotic hormones, projectile nausea, defacto celibacy, and extremely tender breasts then YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE IT!

Vegas, Baby!! Vegas Baby?!

Your parents probably told you the story while you cringed, asking to be spared of the gory details, the nightmarish thoughts of your parental units getting all “brown chicken, brown cow”! Thinking that telling you would be some proof of how special your creation truly was, not realizing how it created uncomfortable thoughts of how your celibate Puritanical Mom and Dad could get busy and thus void your illusion of being the second Immaculate Conception. You survived it and maybe it, unbeknownst to you, was actually a rite of passage into adulthood: yes, Virginia, Mommy and Daddy perform the horizontal Mambo, they may even talk dirty to each other, and the bottle of “vitamins” on the Daddy’s nightstand, and the “massager” in Mommy’s dresser drawer are for having adult fun.
When I came to realize these things, I in some way promised myself and my future children that I would try to create them in the most mundane fashion that produced the least amount of possible back story. As fate should have it, the first addition to our loving family will one day be tortured with the terribly fabulous way in which they were conceived. I’ll spare you the details (mostly because I certainly remind you more of Tom Arnold than Tom Cruise) but it really all started because we just needed a vacation. Our most favorite place to go has always been Las Vegas, and this time we tried to keep our trip on the DL, a couple’s getaway if you will. We would actually get adult activities in; if you catch my meaning (previous trips prohibited such activity based on poor timing).
Las Vegas is a fabulous city with an exceptional marketing campaign that completely captures the frivolity and carefree attitude you are lead to believe exists. They promote an amnesia based vacation getaway that completely absolves one of any repercussions for the wild and crazy time they may have. They tell you it never happened. They are lying to us! I am here to tell you that on May 17th (or near that date anyway) there will be flesh and bone proof that What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay There! And in about sixteen years that poor proof will hear all about it!

Strange Things Are a Foot

I am convinced that my foot must taste delicious; better than the most luscious strawberries, juicy than prime rib, more divine than the finest chocolate. Why else would I be so compelled to place it in my mouth with such great regularity? I refuse to give specific examples, mostly because you, in all likelihood, know my wife and she probably has divulged some of my most dandy moments. I could claim a complete misunderstanding in many cases, but that would be pointless because “stoopid” really isn’t a language and therefore, by definition, can’t be understood. Most of you know me to be a relatively intelligent and literate individual, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I am on rare occasions (mostly between the hours of 11pm and 1am), suddenly transformed into Captain Dumbass, the insensitive jerk, foot-cuisine connoisseur.
In desperation, I consulted the Dr. Oz Show (shut up!) for answers. Amazingly Dr. Oz explained that during fetal development, a certain chemical is released into the baby’s blood stream that actually slows the activity of the right brain, which houses much of the emotional sensitivity and communication skills. This chemical is predominantly found in highest quantities in roughly half of developing babies, and continues to dominate that population through their adult life. The chemical? Why TESTOSTERONE of course!! At this point, I would ask that the males in the room quickly run for cover…or assume your traditional position when you receive the “I told you so” moment from your estrogen rich partner. If you are gay men, you may simultaneously point the finger at each other. For our lesbian friends, clearly you have perfect communication skills; you may now leave the room.
So, it is clear that my affinity for my foot is not through any fault of my own. It is clearly my mother and father’s fault and God (non-denominational deity may be substituted here) had a part in it to. Testosterone was given to me, I never knowingly took it, nor was I aware of the effects it was having on me. Aside from the penis, the beard and the amazing amount of muscle, there were no indications that I was benefiting from these. I blame this all on my wi…mmm…warfle…wurble… wow, this foot tastes like strawberry cheesecake!